How Childhood Conditioning Shapes Your Authenticity

Did you trade your authenticity for attachment as a child? Learn how early conditioning impacts your self-worth and relationships—and how to reclaim your true self—with insights from Vienna Pharaon.

By Vienna Pharaon

When you were a child, there were probably endless moments when you were either asked or encouraged to be a little more of this and a little less of that to get love, connection, validation, safety, or affirmation from your parents and caretakers. You may have received messaging from your parents, messaging they thought was harmless, that was actually asking you to become less of who you were.

And guess what you did when you were a kid? You probably went along with it. You want to know why? Because you are wired for attachment. Because attachment is necessary for your survival. And because your need to be loved, wanted, chosen, protected, prioritized, and safe trumps everything else.

But just as necessary as your need for attachment is your need for authenticity. To be authentic is to be free to be and to feel; it’s to be fully revealed to yourself and to those you let into your intimate space. Authenticity is at the core of our existence. Without it, an internal death takes place.

Authenticity and attachment are both powerful needs. Yet, as Dr. Gabor Maté, a trauma and addiction specialist, says, “When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.”

What a thought to consider that so many of us must trade one lifeline for another: To stay connected to you, I must leave and abandon me, or to stay true to myself, I must choose to disconnect from you. And what a thought to think about tiny humans, including you, who needed to make that decision time and time again.

As children, we do trade our authenticity for attachment. Of course, we do; it’s the more important lifeline. Perfect grades make Dad happy. Being quieter makes Mom less irritable. Losing weight gets you attention. Being fine means your parents are less stressed out. Acting out means Dad stops hurting your sister. Agreeing keeps the peace. Helping Mom makes her less sad. You learned to adjust yourself to make sure your parents didn’t abandon, reject, hate, criticize, judge, or disown you.

And as adults, we sadly engage in this, too. But it’s because we’re conditioned to do it. It’s because we’ve learned that our worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust, and safety are given when we shift and change ourselves to accommodate others.

It is here, in your origin story with attachment and authenticity, where you first learn to engage in a recurring self-betrayal. It is here where you learn to abandon your true self for attachment. It is here where you begin to shapeshift, transforming who you are in order to get what you believe you need.

Take that in for a moment. You’ve been convinced that being someone other than who you are is the only way you get the things you crave the most. If I become who you need me to be, I can guarantee myself love, connection, approval, safety, and validation. It’s a form of self-protection, and you tried your darndest to accommodate. But becoming a successful shapeshifter isn’t actually a victory. It doesn’t actually reap the benefit that you want.

Even if you get validation for getting the As, scoring the hat trick, or being less emotional, deep down you know what’s up. You see through it and know that when validation is given because of inauthenticity, it can’t be trusted. No wonder we turn into adults who are insecure, unsure, and doubting of ourselves and others. No wonder it’s so hard to show up authentically and trust that another will love, choose, respect, and honor you.